Did your lover leave you? Abandonment is a knife wound to the heart. It is highly vulnerable to infection and can leave scarring.

Anyone suffering the loss of a love is in a true emotional crisis. Abandonment has its own special kind of grief, as painful as grief over death, and just as enduring. It grips your life with powerful feelings. Left unresolved, this unique grief can burrow deep within where it undermines self esteem and interferes in future relationships. …

Several people wrote in about the painful dilemma of trying and failing to emotionally let go of their exes. They feel extremely intolerant toward themselves for being so stuck.

This continued torment and clinging to their exes is completely involuntary, not subject to conscious control of their cognitive minds: “I try to stop thinking about her, but I can’t seem to stop the feelings.”

This represents the mind/heart disconnect we all struggle with in so many areas of our lives: “I know I shouldn’t eat this cake, but I can’t resist it.” …

If you are trying to get over someone, you might feel like John who wrote into my forum: “Cold, Wet, Miserable, gray day outside and that’s just how I feel on the inside too. Guess we got another visit from the Withdrawal Fairy. Hurts like a Mutha, but I know it’ll pass.”

The “Withdrawal” he is referring to is the second stage of abandonment (Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting), when your body/mind anxiously “searches for the lost object. “ During this stage (which overlaps with the others and can be quite protracted), you feel heartsick. …

So many people are in relationships where they have given their power away.

Two Scenarios:


You’ve been abandoned and you’ve given all of your power to the abandoner. Your life rests on whether they call, whether they don’t call. You impotently wait and hope for them to come back because only their return can take your pain away. Why? Because you have given them your power. One person put it this way: “My abandoner walked away with all of the gold. I need to get it back.”


Your current relationship doesn’t feel mutual. Your partner tends to withhold…


If you feel a negative contrast between what you experienced in the past and what you are experiencing now, you feel the short-fall as “unhappiness,” “loss of energy,” or “depression.”

At first after Paul died, the contrast was nearly unbearable. I had been accustomed to intense connection and constant affection. We spent every spare minute enjoying each other’s closeness — just being together. He had been sick for a year prior and I had always been busy administering to his medical and personal needs, all of which gave my life a sense of purpose, meaning, and focus. …

When the workplace triggers your issues…

You begin to feel nobody values your ideas. Or somehow you become a scapegoat. Or your coworkers gravitate toward your rival. Or you’re overlooked for promotion. Or your staff actively ignores your directives.


Any number of triggers can rekindle the old abandonment would, generating feelings you suffered in your family dynamics or in your peer groups at school. It’s as if your primal abandonment sores start bleeding through, imprinting themselves onto your current experience. The setting is different and the players have changed, but the emotional stain remains the same. …

I’ve gotten a lot of messages lately about relationships going out of whack. One minute you’re in sync and the next, one is pulling away, and the other is feeling abandoned.

It makes me appreciate the fact that the most important commodity in a relationship is mutuality. Mutuality is precious. Once someone “wants more” from the other person, it can tip the balance of power.

Sometimes it HELPS rather than HURTS a relationship when someone nudges the other to move forward. The “nudger” becomes the “emotional leader” who possesses the courage, vision, and sense of security to risk taking the…

Is your Outer Child a clutterer? Do you want to develop neater habits? Become more orderly? Would you like to purge your home and overstuffed schedule of unnecessary things? This chapter will help you declutter your life.

Some people have hoarding problems that are nothing short of extreme.

“I’ve fallen behind in my house keeping. Stuff started piling up about six months ago and I seem to have misplaced the living room sofa.”

“I just can’t throw things away, so I move instead. I’ve lived in three different houses in past five years to get away from the clutter but…

Last Updated on February 2, 2021 by Susan Anderson, Psychotherapist

  1. We all have shame. It’s part of the human condition.
  2. Shame and primal abandonment are reciprocal. Whereas Abandonment is the fear of disconnection, Shame is feeling unworthy of connection. Their relationship is cyclical. They reinforce each other.
  3. Some of us are more shackled by shame than others. At any given time, depending on triggers, we operate somewhere along a silent shame continuum.
  4. We consider shame to be traumatic when it has an ongoing impact on how we feel about ourselves and function in the world.
  5. Shame works silently within. We…

Last Updated on February 1, 2021 by Susan Anderson, Psychotherapist

Self Love Not Narcissism

Caution: You don’t make yourself love’s object narcissistically. It’s more of a spiritual redirection of energy toward that central place within the self we all share — a universal place of quiet appreciation for the wonders of existence. Even if your existence has you currently writhing in spasms of torment, at least you can remember good moments in the past — and you can observe others appreciating these moments. Ponder these things and your own emotional state momentarily lifts a little. Notice I said “a little”…

Susan Anderson

Psychotherapist, Author, Abandonment Expert w/ 30+ years of clinical experience & dedicated research of #abandonment victims. Contact me: abandonment@erols.com.

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